Sleepless nights
by Totally not a Tree
Summary: One sided Advanceshipping. Ash-centric. Ash has another sleepless night, all because of her. He wrestles with a little bit of his emotions, and tries to find reason along the way. My first attempt at fanfiction. Done while slightly intoxicated.


Ash squirmed in his bed. Letting out a deep sigh, he looked at the clock.

"3:17am, amazing".

This wasn't the first time he would have trouble sleeping, this wasn't even the first time this week he had this problem.

This was an epidemic. Ash had this problem constantly.

"May..." Ash said, a name that always lingered on his mind. Courtesy of memories that he never let go. Words he never said.

"It's always because of her..."

He turned over onto his side. Staring blankly at the wall as his mind took over another sleepless night.

"Why is it always her?" He said, half expecting an answer from the walls of the quiet Pokecenter room.

Truthfully, he knew the answer already. He answered it ever night himself in the inner monologue he always had.

"Because you love her. Because she means so much to you..." He stopped for a second. Questioning his sanity as he answered himself, again.

"How do I know I love her?... - Because you can't even think of her without smiling. Because she's always creeping into your mind. Because all those cliche things Brock, Misty and even... May has said about love have become a reality for you."

Ash sighed at his own conversation with himself. He loathed the synergy his brain and heart shared when it came to thinking of May. But he enjoyed it all the same.

"You know she's in an entirely different region right? Going down a different path than you, walking a path that may never cross yours again?-"

Self doubt. Right on queue.

"But that doesn't mean I can't love her- True, but that also doesn't mean I should fill myself with so much false hope".

He sighed.

Why was he always in an internal struggle over a girl seemingly half a world away?

"Why?...-

Because waiting for her is worth it".

Well, he was right.

"Some of the best times of my life were with her. The little conversations, the inside jokes I still laugh at. The memories. The way I still smile at the thought of her smile. The way I screamed with her victories and moped with her on her defeats-

It's been three years Ash. All of those memories were years ago..."

His hopeful smile faded as quickly as it formed.

"I know..." He whispered to himself. Whispering a truth he wished was anything but.

"It's all my fault she's gone anyway..."

He let his sadness take over as he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Scanning like he was trying to find answers to questions he never dared to ask.

" I shouldn't have let her go to Johto so long ago...

but it was for her dream- but it was without me. I could've at least called. "

Rationality and hope clashed in his head, looking for answers somewhere in his muddled mind.

"I should've at least called. In those years... A text even. She and I were so close. I let her go. I let her slip away. I let myself fade from her life. It's all my fault...

...

You know, if she wanted me in her life. She could've called to. She could've reached out too. It didn't have to be me".

He laughed. His cold justification was always to make himself small.

"She didn't need me anyway. I was so replaceable. She replaced me in her life so fast, it's like I wasn't even gone". He frowned at that thought. One that was all too common in his mind.

"I didn't have that big of an effect on her life as I think... we only traveled together for 2 years anyway... 3 years ago."

It didn't help he kept track of all her accomplishments. He kept track of her like she was the only thing on the news.

She accomplished so much in the 3 years since they left each other.

He glanced at the clock.

3:54am.

"Ugh." He groaned. May inadvertently made Ash an insomniac. He spent so much time on so many nights thinking of her. Sleep was rare in his life now.

He had enough. He reached for his Pokenav and searched for a name he hadn't talked to in years.

"This ends now..." He found her name, he never got rid of her info from his phone.

He taped text-message, he looked at the virtual keyboard... and froze.

"Crap..." He whispered, surprised he even got this far.

"Um... well. Here goes... everything."

He slowly began to type everything on his mind...

That stopped after he saw he said "love" in the message.

"Too much..." he chuckled. "Lets start slow, I guess".

Hey May! Long time no see, how have you been.

"That's so lame... I should stop".

He began to delete the message until he froze again.

He sat at this exact moment before. Many times. A step away from reaching out to her, just to get cold feet.

That ended tonight.

He sent the message.

"It's like... 1am where she is now..."

He put his Pokenav away when he saw three dots appear on his screen.

She was messaging back.

"Oh... fuck..."

What else could he say when he finally reached for the stars?


End file.
